Raising Happy, Healthy Kids
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Win — Win Discipline

"Discipline" actually comes from the Latin word "disciplus" meaning "to teach." We are our children’s most important teachers. It is our job to provide them with the appropriate tools to get their needs met in appropriate ways and teach them life skills. Children do not come with instruction booklets, so most of us use the same techniques to teach our children right from wrong that our parents used with us. This is fine if things are working well and there are no conflicts.

Today’s world is far different than the world our parents raised us in. The techniques they used may not work today. For example, perhaps our parents used spanking or corporal punishment to discipline us. Today that may be considered abusive, or at least not the behavior we want to model for children in light of the violence that pervades our society today.

So what is a parent to do? What behavior management techniques work? There are a number of simple techniques you can use to manage your child’s behavior that will work. And you will not have to hit, yell, spank, or call your child names. An added benefit is that these techniques also serve to boost your child’s self-esteem and decision-making skills so that they will be better able to fend off peer pressure and negative influences in the teen years.

 

Technique #1 — Praise, Praise, Praise

Praise is the number one motivator of human behavior. You get more of what you pay attention to. So if you are spending most of your time criticizing your child rather that praising your child, you may actually get more negative behavior. This is because your child needs your attention and may have learned she gets more of it when she misbehaves. Maybe he never hears praise or a positive label from you. Children will live up to the label you give them.

One simple technique is to catch your child doing something good each day and praise them for it. Or simply praise them for being. A simple "I love you," or "I am so happy to be your mom or dad," "you are special" can be said no matter what a child’s behavior has been that day.

 

Technique #2 — Establish Family Rules With Your Child(ren)

Children won’t know how to behave unless they know clearly what is expected of them. A simple way to do this is to sit down with your child and write a list of family rules. There may be only three rules on the list for younger children or five to seven rules for older children. If there are too many rules, it becomes harder to remember (for kids and parents) and therefore harder to maintain. Have a "what-to-do" for every "what-not-to-do" rule. It is not enough to tell children what you don’t want them to do. They need to know specifically what you do want. For example:

 

Family Rule Examples

What To Do What Not To Do 
1.) Use you words to say how you feel 1.) Hit 
Reward: You will be listened to Penalty: 5 minute time-out 
2.) Put toys away when finished with them 2.) Leave toys out after playing 
Reward: Get to play with more toys
Or get to watch TV
Or get to play outside
Penalty: Lose privilege of playing or watching TV or going out until toys are put away 
3.) Do homework before watching TV 
4.) Leave homework until after TV 
Reward: Get to watch TV from 8:00-9:00 Penalty: Lose TV privileges until homework is done (may be several days)

Notice there is a reward and a penalty for every rule. This is so children will learn that there are consequences for their actions. This also helps children learn how to make good choices and builds good decision-making skills.

The most difficult part for parents is being CONSISTENT and FOLLOWING THROUGH with the rewards and penalties every time. If parents are not consistent nor in agreement with each other, the child will soon learn to manipulate and will not learn what you are trying to teach. In the end this is detrimental to the child.

The beauty of being consistent and following through with the rules is that when children do occassionally make mistakes, they will also know ahead of time what the consequence will be. This allows children to make mistakes and learn from those mistakes when they are young and the consequences are relatively cheap. It allows children to learn to THINK FOR THEMSELVES so that they are less apt to make bad decisions on major issues when they are teens or older.

Technique #3 — Nurturing Rewards and Punishments

In order to be effective, parents should avoid material rewards and harsh or abusive punishments.

If parents make a habit of giving material rewards to their children for following rules, the child may behave appropriately only to get more "things" and may not internalize what the parent is trying to teach. Parents will also exhaust themselves and their budgets giving these material rewards. Then they may be stuck when the child no longer needs, values, or wants the material reward. It better to use praise which costs nothing, but builds self-esteem.

Privileges also make good rewards. Privileges also build self esteem, because they allow the child to experience positive activities. Privileges tell the child, "I believe in you. You have earned this."

In order for punishments to be effective, they should not be too harsh. If a child is punished harshly, he or she will just remember the punishment and not what you have tried to teach. Repeated harsh punishments also harm the relationship you have with your child causing them to resent you and your value system. They may obey for the moment, but will be more likely to strongly rebel at adolescence and seek out a peer group which also tries to tell them what to think. Children raised in overly strict environments may also be more apt to sneek, and less apt to confide in you should a problem arise.

Effective punishments are those which are age appropriate, administered at the time of the infraction, and are not abusive or harsh. Punishments are more effective when admistered consistently. It is not the severity, but the certainty, of the punishment that makes it effective.

 

Time-out is a type of punishment for children ages 3 to about 9. After age 9 or 10, you may want to call it a grounding. Time-out and grounding should be saved for the worst behaviors and not used all of the time or they will lose their efficacy. Time out is effective for hitting, throwing things, etc. Grounding may also be used when a child has gone beyond the stated boundaries, say to play in a diffferent neighborhood without permission.

 

Loss of privilege is an effective punishment that works at any age for many types of misbehaviors.

Occasionally restitution may be used as a type of punishment. A child who uses up all of a sibling’s toy may be required to "pay it back" out of his or her own allowance. If a child purposely breaks something, he or she may have to replace it.

 

Technique #4 — Establish Routines

One way to reduce power struggles and stress in the home is to establish daily routines around mealtime, bathtime, bedtime, etc. Routines provide stability, structure, and show the child you care. Routines reduce power struggles because they become habits. The child just knows what is automatically expected. Conversely, if mealtime, bathtime, bedtimes are greatly different each day, the child never knows what is next and may be more apt to try to manipulate, "But you let me stay up till 11:00 p.m. last night" or "I didn’t have to be home to eat last night" or "I don’t want a bath (or to brush my teeth)." The less structure in the home, the more chaos and stress. It is also important not to become too rigid with routines. Parents who are too uptight about time and become upset if things are fifteen minutes off one night, do more harm than good with routines and actually contribute more stress to the household.

 

Technique #5 — Your Presence is Their Present

In today’s hectic and many times stressful world, it is difficult, but important, to take time to just spend time with your children. It doesn’t have to be fancy, like a trip to the beach or theme park, although that is always nice. At Youth Summits held each year since 1996 in Herkimer County, teenagers reported the same thing regardless of age or economic background. They want and need more time with their parents.

 

The TAP (Teen Assessment Project) survey, administered to all seventh, ninth, and eleventh graders in Herkimer County in 1997, also highlighted the importance of involved parents. The survey asked 150 questions of youth on topics such as substance use, depression, sexual activity, violence, etc. Those who took the survey overwhelmingly stated (80%) that INVOLVED PARENTS are the number one deterrent to engaging in negative behaviors. Yet many are also saying that their parents are not there for them.

Involved parents also try to know where their children are at all times, whom they are with, and if there are responsible adults supervising. Don’t be afraid to verify activities with other parents . Your children will know you care enough about them to assure their safety.

 

A certain amount of trust accrues with age. Letting your child know your expectations before they leave home and placing trust in them also builds confidence and self-esteem in youth. The message sent is "I believe in you." An adolescent who is never allowed to participate in age appropriate activities with others his or her age will be more likely to suffer low self-esteem, and may make poor decisions once the parent is not around. The message sent here is "I don’t believe in you."