Raising Happy, Healthy Kids
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Self Esteem

Every event in a child’s life contributes to his or her sense of self. When children are raised in a positive environment, they are more apt to feel secure and trust in others and in themselves. Parents and caregivers have a tremendous amount of power to positively or negatively influence their children’s self-esteem.

 

Children whose caregivers are warm and responsive to their needs, whose parents provide safe and appropriate opportunities for exploration and success, and whose parents praise them for being and for doing, are more apt to develop a sense of positive self-esteem.

 

Children raised in an environment where his or her caregivers routinely yell, threaten, name call, and spank, the child will most likely come away feeling poorly about himself or herself, and will develop a sense of low self-esteem.

 

When do parents start building self-esteem in their children? A sense of positive self-esteem is built right from birth. Parents can build a sense of security and well being in their infants by holding them, talking to them, singing, and playing with them.

As the child reaches toddlerhood, parents can minimize negative interactions by childproofing their homes to avoid always saying "no." By providing a safe environment with age appropriate toys and activities parents can encourage exploration and foster a "can do" attitude and sense of accomplishment which heightens self-esteem in their children.

 

Children whose parents routinely praise them are more apt to feel valued, loved, and happy with themselves. Children will live up to, and believe in, the labels we give them. Those labeled "good kid" will have higher self-esteem than those labeled "bad’ or "naughty."

Giving kids choices allows them to think for themselves and come up with solutions to their own problems. From an early age, kids can choose what story to read and what play clothes or school clothes to wear, for example. In adolescence, they may get to choose which night on the weekend they get to stay out an hour later. Kids who have some say in their own lives feel more powerful, feel better about themselves, have higher self-esteem and usually make better choices.

 

Setting limits also makes kids feel good about themselves. Too many limits or too few work against self-esteem. Parents who are too strict and over protective give the message " I don’t think you are smart/strong/capable enough to handle this situation, so I have to do it for you." On the other hand, parents who set no limits for their children send the message of "I don’t care enough about you to set limits." Children who seek out gangs, for example, are often looking for structure and family life they don’t get at home.

Including children in making family rules shows you care about their opinions. Parents who follow through with rules show the child they care enough to follow up on what the child is doing. This makes the child feel valued and cared for. They in turn will value and care for themselves.

 

As children reach adolescence, they look to their peers for approval and validation. Self-esteem may take a temporary nose-dive, but if children have been raised in a nurturing environment, they will often find themselves again. This is another important time for parents to talk to their children often about their views on alcohol, drugs and sexual behavior. It does make a difference. It sends the message "I care about you." It’s also a good idea to ask your child to brainstorm or role play solutions to various situations so they can be prepared for unforeseen problems.

 

This is also an important time to show trust in your child. Teens need to feel trusted and need to have expectations clearly stated to them. If you have built a positive relationship with your child all along, he or she will be less likely to make choices that will disappoint you. Trust sends the message "I know you can handle this."

 

Open communication also helps to build self-esteem. When parents use I-statements as opposed to blaming you-statements, children listen without feeling bad about themselves. Parents who use active and passive listening techniques give children the opportunity to be heard and provide them an outlet for venting their problems.

 

Perhaps the most important thing parents can do is spend time with their children. This is the one thing youth have said they need most from their parents. (Herkimer County Youth Summits 1997,1998,1999) By establishing nurturing relationships with children, parents can help their children reap the benefits of increased self-esteem and prepare them to face the challenges of today’s world.