Raising Happy, Healthy Kids
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Talk To Your Kids and Get Them To Talk To You

Open communication actually starts at birth. When a baby cries and you respond by picking the child up to comfort or feed it, you are telling the child "I am listening to you." Scientific evidence now reveals that babies who are frequently held, talked to, sung to, and gently caressed grow up to be more intelligent and more emotionally stable than their peers who are left for long periods in a crib, playpen, are not frequently held, talked to, sung to, or caressed. Babies whose needs are not attended to and are allowed to cry for long periods of time learn early, "no one is listening, so I might as well give up." If that same baby is exposed to yelling, fighting, and a chaotic family environment, that baby’s brain will actually be structurally different than a baby raised in a calm nurturing environment. That part of the brain that acts as the calm down circuit will remain in a constant state of high alert. The brain is constantly flooded with stress hormones perhaps setting that child up for future drug and alcohol use to self-medicate and calm him or herself.

During the toddler years, a child whose parents provide nurturing routines, a childproofed environment, and gentle redirection as a discipline tool will feel a sense of initiative instead of guilt at learning new things. That child will have a sense of trust of his or her parents. Parents who have no set schedule around bedtime, bathtime, meals etc. will likely experience more stress than a family where there are limits set. If the home is not childproofed, the parents will have to say "no" more and may use hitting and slapping as a means to teach the child to stay away from harm. The child from this home will soon learn that mom and dad are not to be trusted, because they can use hurting touch. They say the word "no" so much that it soon loses its meaning.

 

By the time a child reaches preschool, he or she has developed a feeling about whether his or her parents are approachable and can be trusted. The foundation for the door to open communication has already been laid, but it is not cast in concrete yet.

Parents with children of any age can learn to communicate effectively with their children and encourage their children to communicate with them.

 

Here are some ways to encourage open communication:

Adopt a democratic(backbone) parenting style as opposed to an authoritarian(brickwall), or a permissive(jellyfish) parenting style. (See Barbara Coloroso’s "Winning at Parenting" videotape.)

 

Praise good behavior.

 

Use I-Statements as opposed to blaming You-Statements (You always…you never…you are stupid, such a brat, etc.)

Use positive labels for your child. He or she will live up to whatever label you give them - positive or negative. No one wants to talk to someone who puts them down.

 

Be a good listener. Use passive and active listening.

 

Validate their feelings.

 

Avoid giving advice.

 

Be available. Quantity time is more valable than quality time. Can you really schedule when your child wants to talk with you?

 

Discuss your family values with your children.

 

Take advantage of times when you are alone with your child, e.g. on a car ride.

 

Label their feelings.

 

Passive and Active Listening

 

Listening is a powerful communication tool. It is a way for us to communicate with youth to help them solve their own problems. This is because we are simply listening, not giving advice. Many times kids can figure out the solutions to their own problems and not tell them what it was like in the good old days or tell them what they should do.

 

One way is to listen passively. Stop what you are doing if possible, make eye contact, and just respond with an "Oh, I see. ….uh huh."

 

Another is to use active or reflective listening. Stop what you are doing if possible, make eye contact, listen, and reflect back what you think the other person is trying to say when there is a lull in the conversation. An example would be to start with, "what I think I’m hearing you say is….", or "correct me if I’m wrong, but are you saying….?" or "let me see if I got this right……" The listener can also just paraphrase or summarize what the person has said.

 

In either of the above examples, the listener does not tell the person speaking what he or she should do, give advice, or disagree initally with the speaker. This opens the door for continued communication and problem solving.

 

Validating Feelings

While actively listening or at the end of passively listening, the listener can validate the speakers feelings, by just saying something like, "that must have been frustrating…..exciting…..scarrey…..funny, etc." The person speaking now knows that the listener has really been listening and understands how the speaker is feeling. Notice that when validating feelings the listener never says, "you shouldn’t feel that way….." or "that’s ridiculous, stupid, etc. to feel that way." Remember all feelings are valid and need to be expressed. The person who validates feelings opens the door to more communication.

 

Labeling a Feeling

Sometimes you can tell there is something wrong with your child, but he or she just won’t open up. Prying just closes the child up more. An effective way to get a child to open up is to give that feeling a label with a "You-seem" statement. Simply say "you seem sad….angry….confused….tired….irritated" or whatever you think the feeling is. And then say nothing more. You have opened the door to communication. It may be a few minutes or a few days, but the child will likely come back to you and say what has been bothering him or her.

 

It is also helpful to label feelings for small children who do not yet have the vocabulary to express themselves. Saying "I see that you are angry….tired…. happy….scared, etc." tells the child you know how they feel and also gives them the vocabulary to learn to say "I’m mad….tired….happy….scared, etc."

 

Each of these techniques seem simple, but together they are powerful and greatly increase the odds that you will have an open door to communication at your house.