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Early Adolescence: How Does a Parent Cope?

Ten to fifteen year olds, or early adolescents, seem to be the most challenging age group for parents since the "terrible two’s!" Their bodies are changing, their voices are changing, their emotions seem to rise and fall like yo-yo’s, their interactions with parents and peers are constantly changing as are their energy levels! When asked to describe early adolescents, parents, more often than not, come up with words like confused, defiant, emotional, think they’re invulnerable, etc., etc., etc.

 

How does a parent cope with these changes and still maintain a level of calm in the home?

Probably the most important thing to remember as the parent of an early adolescent is that change is the cornerstone of this age. To begin with, it is the only time in the human life cycle when the rate of growth speeds up. They are going through physical changes in height and weight as well as changes that relate to puberty, the appearance of primary and secondary sex characteristics. They are going through changes in cognitive abilities, that is, they are beginning to think differently than they did as children. They now have the capacity to think into the future, to ask "what if," and to question things they had previously accepted, such as parental authority. They are going through changes in how they relate to other people and in how they react emotionally. Peers have become increasingly more important, particularly in the areas of dress, music, and language. They are depressed one moment and the happiest they’ve ever been another.

 

What is a parent to do?

Perhaps the most important thing a parent can do is understand that these changes are occurring and that these same changes are going to affect all areas of their lives — and probably their parents’ lives also. If an early adolescent is tired one moment and running around another, it is important for the parent to understand that, in response to their speeded up growth, they tire faster and need more sleep than they probably ever did before. But it is also important to note that their lives have taken on so many new dimensions that they seem to be running in a hundred different directions sometimes.

 

When your early adolescent is challenging the rules and wants more decision-making power over his/her own life, parents need to understand that, due to their new thinking abilities, they need to experiment with new roles and behaviors, and that they have an increased desire for independence. Rules in the home need to be looked at differently also due to these changes. Parents need to decide which of their rules are negotiable and which are non-negotiable. The fewer the non-negotiable, or those which concern safety and strongly held family values, the better. Early adolescents need a "say" in making some of the rules that directly affect them. By communicating with the early adolescent, by negotiating, not only are parents avoiding conflict, they are helping their child learn to make decisions, to become more and more independent, and, also, to see the connection between behavior and consequences.

 

Instead of throwing our hands up in despair or tearing our hair out, we as parents need to realize the extent of the changes our early adolescents are going through and how these changes impact all parts of their lives, including their interactions with their parents. Communication, especially listening, is imperative (for additional information on Passive and Active Listening Click here). If parents can understand that all these tremendous changes are causing many of these behaviors and attitudes, and that their early adolescents are beginning to experience a whole new world as burgeoning adults, perhaps they can work together to both meet the family’s needs as well as the adolescent’s needs.

 

A last reminder — try to remember back to when you were an adolescent! Were you ever anxious about how you looked? Did you ever argue with your parents about curfew? Or the length of your hair or your skirt? Did you ever worry about why you were so much taller, shorter, thinner, fatter, more, or less, "developed" than some of your friends? Keep it in mind the next time you start to pull your hair out! And begin to look at that early adolescent with a new eye.

 

Classes in Herkimer County:

Community Maternity Services 
61 West Street 
Ilion, New York 13357
Phone: 894-9941

 

"The Nurturing Program" - a fifteen week parenting programs for parents and their children Thursday evenings throughout the year. Separate classes for parents and their children are held from 5:00 p.m. to 7:30 p.m. at Catholic Charities, 61 West St. in Ilion, NY. There is no fee for this program. You must pre-registrer is required by calling 315-894-9941. Topics covered include effective behavior management techniques, managing anger and stress, building personal power and self-esteem, expressing feelings, and preventing drug and alcohol abuse.

 

Area Youth Development Program
5657 State Route 5
Herkimer, New York 13350
Phone: 866-7920

 

"Discipline Is Not a Dirty Word" - a program designed around 7 basic principles of effective and caring discipline which will give parents, particularly those of young children, some positive, "win-win" methods of interacting with youth."

"DARE to Be You" - activities and strategies for adults who live and work with youth that focus on increasing self-esteem, self-responsibility, communication, and decision-making skills. The four workshops are highly interactive, active, thought provoking and fun.

 

"Living with 10- to 15-Year Olds: A Parent Education Curriculum" - the 12 2-hour workshops provide families (and staff) with in-depth information on such topics as adolescent development, understanding and communicating with young adolescents, risk-taking behavior, and sexuality.

 

"Parents, Youth and Careers" - a career development seminar that empowers and equips parents to help their children choose a career. It covers such topics as population and labor force trends, Parents - the critical influence, education and training - does it pay? additional schooling, etc. 

"Partners in Prevention" - a 2-hour workshop based on the Kids and Company curriculum from the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. The workshop is designed to acquaint parents with the facts about child abduction and exploitation and also strategies that they can use to keep their children safe.

 

"Parents Apart" - this program provides parents with information about the impact of separation and/or divorce on both themselves and their children. The curriculum examines what parents and their children experience and suggests strategies and resources to help them. The main focus is on the children and reducing their exposure to parental conflict.

 

Other workshops on communication, self-esteem, etc., are available on request and can be customized to the needs of the requesting group.